The Awkward Moments For Severus Snape
by Kid Jeevas
Summary: a new student has arrived at hogwarts, and she seems to have a thing for the tall, dark and snarky... better than it sounds, trust me, i suck at summaries...rating for language. trust me. no smut. absolutely not...ew....
1. Chapter 1

Because I can never write a story without a proper explanation, a friend and I (one that obsesses over Sevvie almost as much as I do) was bored and came up with a series of funny instances for our favorite Potions Master.

sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssALANssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss :P

It was a lovely first day of classes at Hogwarts, and Professor Severus Snape was reading off the attendance list of his seventh year NEWT potions class.

"Mr. Abby."

"Here."

"Miss. Centre."

"Here."

"Miss…" his dark eyes lifted to the next person in line. "You've got to be kidding me."

The girl in question blushed and looked at her lap.

"No sir, I'm afraid that is my name."

Severus blinked.

"Very well. Ahem," he returned to his list. "Miss…Dip-n-dots."

"Here!" she immediately perked up in a most annoying way.

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Over the course of the next few weeks, our dear Severus started to realize that Miss Lizzy Dip-n-dots was becoming increasingly infatuated with him.

Somehow, being the Slytherin she was, she managed to gain more followers in her ridiculous attempts to gain his attention, unearth the more private sections of his personal life, and generally making a nuisance of themselves when it came to the subject of him. And worst of all, in Severus' mind, they started calling themselves the 'SS Fangirls'.

_I need to do something about this_, he started to realize after one of the miserable little girls left her detention. During said detention, she had been digging into his personal life….

Fangirl: Professor Snape?

Severus: What, you infuriating child.

Fangirl: Do you wear green silk boxers?

Severus:……………………why would you ask such a thing?

Fangirl: Because the Fangirls want to know.

Severus: ……….well……..and keep this quiet mind you………. I do. Red as well sometimes.

Fangirl: (SQUEEEE!!!!!)

Severus: Now. Get out of my sight and don't tell anyone.

Fangirl: Don't worry sir! I promise!

……………….

All right, so he didn't put up much of a fight when it came to telling them that, but, he had to admit, it was nice seeing women taking an interest in him. Now if they could just be women his own age…

Sighing, he stood from his desk, stretching from the hours of confinement. _May as well get something to eat;. I am quite hungry._

Stalking past the great hall, avoiding students trying to get back to their dorms before curfew, he couldn't help but hear something quite interesting.

"Professor Snape wears green and RED silk boxers!"

Whipping his head towards the area where he'd heard the voice, and scoped out the boy.

"WHERE DID YOU HERE THAT!!!" Severus demanded, holding the small and terrified student by the shoulder.

"Uh…..the Fangirls told m-me!"

Releasing him, Severus started up the hallway, determination and anger stormed around him.

"Where is that insolent girl," he growled.

Eventually, he did find her, a book in her lap, obviously doing homework. Unfortunately, she noticed him as he approached.

"HI PROFESSOR," she exclaimed.

Once again, Severus only blinked.

"…………………Hello…?"

"I have another question!"

He quickly regained his composure and fixed a sneer on his face.

"Ah yes, about your 'questions'-"

"Do you have a girlfriend?" she plowed on.

"……….I BEG YOUR PARDON!!!????!!!!"

"The Fangirls want to kn-"

"I DON'T CARE WHAT THE BLOODY FANGIRLS WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he lost it and turned to stalk off back to his quarters, but had a second thought and turned around before resuming his original intent. "AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION……no."

As he walked away, he could hear the girl rejoicing.

_Life is horrible to me_, Severus sulked.

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssALANssssssssssssssssssssssssss :P

if anyone's interested, I will gladly continue this, but I need at least some reviews, so…please?


	2. Chapter 2

One day professor severus snape was sitting in the great hall and had a great urge to throw something at someone. He was especially irritated by trewleny's incesstant predictions of his death. Unfortunately, she seemed very sure that such incident could be prevented if they were an item, but that was NEVER going to happen in his mind.

Picking up and starting to peel an orange, he threw his glance down the staff table and caught Albus' eye. The annoying old coot had his stupid twinkling thing going on, as if to say _go for it Severus old boy! You need a little insane-lady following you around in a romantic puppy-eyed fashion._ He snorted. _Give it up, old man. Not gonna happen. _

Popping the pieces in his mouth, he looked down at the empty shell and an idea suddenly sprang to his mind. He reached, discreetly, beside him for Minerva's box of toothpicks, quickly dumping half the contents on his lap before returning it. He began to put the pieces of peel back together in a spiky 3-D imitation of a jigsaw puzzle. Soon, he had a mace-like Xerox of an empty orange. Now what to do with it?

Greedily, he picked it up and hurled it across the room, aiming for the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Ruin-His-Life. Instead, he ended up nailing his orange-headed, freckled sidekick, just barely missing the Gryffindor know-it-all.

Angrily, Weasely jumped off the bench, obviously distressed.

"What the bloody hell was that for Hermione!"

Granger merely stared.

"I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about Ronald."

"Oh yeah," he spat. "you, miss goody-two-shoes, sits there all sweet and innocent, like you don't know what I'm talking about! I know you hit me with that…" he stopped and looked around for the offending object that had recently hit his absurdly large head, "that…..with that spiky orange!"

"Are you okay Ronald…..do we need to take another visit to Madame Pormfrey? You're starting to make outlandish accusations. We don't want that to become a habit, now do we?"

"Stop talking to me like I'm four!! I know what I'm saying!"

"Well excuse me for recognizing the signs of an imbecile!" she yelled back, saying it as if it were a disease.

"You know what Hermione!"

WHAM

Butter creamed mashed potatoes had been flung from their bowl of warmth and gravy and found themselves in Hermione Granger's bushy head of hair. Those poor potatoes.

The food oozed down her reddening face.

"You," she whispered threateningly, "did not. Just. Do. That."

She then picked up a cherry pie (these poor foods) and proceeded to throw it in his face. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on the individual), Potter suddenly realized that he wasn't getting any action. So he jumped up onto the bench, a pudding in his hand.

"How could you guys do this without me!" he said before calling over to the Slytherin table, "HEY MALFOY!!!"

"What do you want, Potter," Draco said before turning around and getting a face full of chocolate pudding.

That was when the rest of the student body broke out into a huge food fight.

_Oh shit…_

Up at the staff table, Severus watched in horror as the Slytherin and Gryffindor table went head to head in all out combat, in which screaming ensued. The Granger girl was currently holding Miss Brown in a headlock. Potter and Malfoy were trying to figure out how to strangle the other at the same time as trying not to be killed in return. Weasley just kept throwing food-stuffs at both Crabbe and Goyle, not making much of a headway, simply because they ate everything that was on them. And for some reason, no one in the room, except for Severus, seemed to realize that all their messy troubles could be fixed with a Scourigify or a well placed shield ward. Oh what a sad day for the Hogwarts occupants…

Looking for assistance on what to do, he turned his head to Albus, you was laughing his silver haired head off at the sight of his once sparkling Great Hall.

At this point, most of the teachers had given up on resuming any order, and had joined in. students, realizing that the staff were offering themselves like lamb to a sacrifice, turned towards the seat that was formerly occupied by Professor Snape and began throwing everything they could get their grubby little hands on.

Severus meanwhile, was under the table, cowering, not wanting to be on the receiving end of his students wrath. He suddenly began to accept that he was the one who had to end this madness. Taking a deep breathe, and gathering his nonexistent Gryffindor courage, he jumped up on the table and bellowed,

"SILENCE!!!!"

The Hall turned completely quiet, all eyes focusing on him. As if they all got the same idea at the same time, all the students and staff bent down and picked up the remnants of whatever food they found.

"No," Severus said, backing up slowly off the table. "No no no no no…."

Potter began to count down as he took aim.

"Ready! Aim! FIRE!!!"

Snape's don't run. It just doesn't happen. But that day, every trace of his dignity was lost as Severus Snape sprinted out of the Great Hall, the SS Fangirls in his wake.


	3. Chapter 3

Lizzy and her fellow SS Fangirl, Susan, were sitting in their potion's class alone, as they arrived early to impress their shared obsession. Although, it was not Severus that they were discussing, for a change, but their favorite actor, Alan Rickman.

"I bet he uses Botox," Susan said. "There's no other way he could stay so young looking. Isn't he, like, 63?"

"He does NOT use Botox!" Lizzy insisted. "It's natural! And you just don't want to admit that a man of 63 is as gorgeous as him…"

Susan snorted. "Gorgeous!? You're hallucinating. How many times a week do you get here early?"

"Unlike you," the faithful fangirl replied. "I've been coming to class early since the first day of the year!"

At that moment, Hermione Granger, another student the enjoyed being early for class, joined them in the nearly empty room. She sat her books down and, in absence of anything else to do, listened to the girl's argument.

"Besides, how do you not see it?" Lizzy continued, ignoring Susan's comment. "That noble, aquiline nose, that velvety voice, his aristocratic features. He's a prince trapped in an actor's body!"

"Whatever," Susan turned to her bag. "You keep telling yourself that Alan Rickman is your prince charming and maybe one day he'll come and sweep you off your feet."

Hermione then decided that she'd never listen to another one of the SS Fangirl's conversations again.

Unbeknownst to the girls, Severus Snape was just making it back to Hogwarts when he was hit with a spell. He whipped around to see who would dare hex him with his back turned, but the culprits had already fled. Looking himself over quickly, else he be late for his next class, he was puzzled to realize that there wasn't anything amiss. With a disgruntled grunt, he strode to his classroom.

The entire potions classroom was now filled, Gryffindors on one side, Slytherins on the other. They all jumped as the door was opened with a bang and looked back to follow their professor's movements. As they looked, a series of gasps arose from the ladies in the room.

For walking between the tables to Professor Snape's desk was none other than Alan Rickman.

When he reached his destination, he turned around to give directions but was startled by the adoring gazes the entirety of the female population was giving him. The confused looks from the boys made him feel as if something was wrong with him and he barked out,

"What are you all staring at?"

His voice sounded exactly the same, but the girls let out a collective sigh, scattered only by a few giggles and coos. _What in the bloody world are they staring at? Do I have a giant heart plastered across my chest or something?_

Bashfully (_bashfully?_), Lizzy Dipp-n-Dots raised her hand,

"Mr. Rickman, are you our substitute?"

His brow creased.

"Mr. what?"

"Oh, you're so modest!" gushed a Gryffindor girl. "Mr. Alan Rickman: famous film and stage actor and director, yet noble, smart, and modest." The rest of the girls sighed at her comment. "How romantic…"

Severus, by now, was thoroughly confused. _Who is this Rickman character they're sighing about? And why and the world do they think I'm him…?_

It was then that he caught sight of his reflection in a silver cauldron.

"…POTTER! WEASLEY!"

Shrieking in terror, the two pranksters ran for their lives out of the dungeons, Severus hot on their tails.

"Yep," Seamus broke the silence. "That's Snape."

The SS Fangirls simply sat there. Hermione said thoughtfully,

"You know, Professor Snape doesn't look that different from that actor, Alan Rickman."

Lizzy and Susan looked at each other, than at the door. After a few seconds,

"SEVVIE!!!!!!!"

And with that, they were gone.


End file.
